July 30, 2006
Tonight's Free Speech Show rocked with wisdom and humor. It featured Laurie Buckley, Dylan Brody, Spencer Dobson, Tina Dupuy and of course TR$$.
Here's a hackneyed version of my monolouge that I busted out for the masses. The topic was....
"Global Warming, Corporate Globalization, Terrorism, Greed, Political Corruption- A Survival Guide for the 21st Century."
When Bill brought this up / First I was I afraid / I was petrified / You see / I don't have a lot of experience with public speaking / I come from a family of... well we were a high wire act / not like at the circus / but we drove while black / So I know a little bit about survival techniques /
But I have several suggestions to make sure you survive in the 21st century.
Make friends with a robot - If you can become a robot's bitch, even better. How many of us still don't trust to put our credit cards in the slot at the gas station. Well a guy in kindergarten will probably just have to stick out his tounge at the gas pump by the time he's sixteen. So get ready for an explosion that'll be roughly the equivalent of... I don't know. Finding Fire?
Wash your fucking hands - That IS my health care package. I got that big book at work, thinking it was all the doctors in my HMO, opened it up and a bar of soap dropped out - that's it. Not even a towel. I needed a referral for the towel. Now I'm not saying any of you people are dirty or gross - But the person next to you might be
We're gonna have to do something to ensure we get back to fair elections at some point. some have argued our democracy depends on it. So by around 2012,when you vote, just go ahead and take the entire contents of your harddrive right to the polling place. Then we'll have jobs for all the techies whose jobs corporations shipped to India and places east. Hmm. Let's see. He's got the ACLU bookmarked and he gets email updates from Move on. dot org and he's stolen a lot of tracks from Phish. Vote for Gore. All right - His home page opens to the NRA's website and his screen saver is a picture of Mickey Mouse. That's one for george, no wait a minute. He bookmarked a site that has golden showers. That's one for Nader. See how efficient that's gonna be?
Scientists have recently discovered that the #1 cause of road rage is shitty drivers. If you want to survive in the 21st century, don't drive like a fucking asshole. No matter you're specific situation, everyone else on the road is late. So I don't want you tapping the brakes as you go through the intersection even though the walk sign is still showing. I don't want you waiting until the light turns green to put on your goddamned turn signal, so now I'm stuck behind you, and I swear to god, if you let that fucking car come out of the gas station, and then the two of you make it through the yellow light and I don't - I WILL try to track you down to the best of my ability. Why? Because I"m already late anyway.
Are you invested in the stock market? Get out. The NFL season is about to start. It's ripe for investors. I've got an in with Frankie the Fixer Ferragamo out of Reno - He'll double your bankroll by Halloween.
afterward there's a panel discussion and we solve problems and crack funny ass jokes.
